There's no way I'd miss seeing you run the marathon unless I get distracted during the 4 seconds when you go by.

sween I say I'm allergic to dogs and he says "I'm allergic to the radioactive shards of my home planet" and I remember why I don't call Superman.

someecards Endless hours watching the Food Network has fully prepared me to sit around watching you cook this Thanksgiving.

sween How many times do you pass your coworker in the hall before you switch from saying "hi" to breakdance fighting?

pixie658 Remember that scene in Pretty Woman when he says "I was very angry with my father" over and over? Yeah, I'm like that except with my thesis.

baconaut If the burger is both In-*N*-Out, wouldn't it be better to call it Quantum Burger, or Schrödinger's Burger?

heysuburban Hot dogs rarely feel like a brilliant idea four hours after you've consumed them.

sastier "A SQL query walks into a bar. He approaches two tables and says, Mind if I join you?"

adravan My seven year old nephew just asked "what is film?"

darthvader The Dark Side: Where *every* Friday is Black Friday.

Matt_Dwyer I believe in nothing which means I am never disappointed when nothing answers my prayers with nothing.

knitterplease When your only tool is passive aggression, every problem looks like it's fine, no really, it's fine.

darthvader For those of you who asked, all I want for Sithmas is my two legs back.

AGinDC I love that Cylons have the same baby mama drama that we do.

jordanrubin Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. But crap your pants just once and the world's all "I'm out. Talk soon."

baconaut  "40 is the new 30, 30 is the new 20, 20 is the new 10, and 10 is the new fetus."

heathermg I imagine there are worse ways to go than Death by Baked Goods, so I'm just gonna go for it.

sarah_y My cat is pretty self-sustaining, but she still kneads me.

paulfeig Just reunited a sock I left in New York months ago with its partner in LA. If that's not Pixar's next movie, then I don't know what is.

someecards There's no way I'd miss seeing you run the marathon unless I get distracted during the 4 seconds when you go by.

heathermg No time, "cook until lightly brown." It's a CHOCOLATE CAKE.

clarkekant The only thing I have to fear is me myself.

dirtymarty Travel tip: wear a purple suit to the airport. Things don't move any more quickly, but it puts everyone in a good mood.

jordanrubin Slept like a baby last night. (Cried, pooped myself, made my parents reconsider their love for each other, etc)

hodgman Any time someone spells THX as "thanks!" these days, I feel like I'm reading Chaucer.

mccanner "Just wanted to make sure you weren't writing a manifesto," said the co-worker when asking why my hood is up.

DanKrokos Writing a sequel is like going to dinner with old friends. Except dinner lasts three months and some of your friends die.

TheBloggess Me: Huh. I hit 70,000 followers this morning. Victor: I hit the mailman last week. With the car. Me: You win.

sween Show me a person who doesn't walk on the escalator and I'll show you a person who will transition poorly into the zombie apocalypse.

heysuburban Ironically, my iPhone will not autocorrect "ahtocorrected" into "autocorrected."

Higgins_J "That which does not kill me makes me say 'Whoa! That was close!'"