@joeveix: Buying the complete DVD box set of "Hoarders" is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
@gxrobillard: I'm not at all impressed by Ketamine. You can achieve the same effect spending six straight hours on Facebook.
@bubblebathos: ugh is anyone else having trouble loading my ex-boyfriend's Gmail?
@SamGrittner: I'm just looking for a nice girl to settle out of court with.
@pattonoswalt: Just got off the elliptical -- 28 min., 2.26 miles, 338 calories, still fat.
@willhines: The bummer is that if Verizon works I'm going to have to actually talk to people.
@ItsThingsInLife: Have you noticed that "studying" is like "student" and "dying" put together?
@daveshumka: I'm growing my prostate to raise awareness for moustache cancer.
@missrogue: My secret answers to the security questions are so secret I can't even remember them.
@ebertchicago: 20% of Americans will believe that 20% of Americans will believe any damned thing.
@shitmydadsays: "Nervous? In 5 billion years the sun will burn out and nothing you did will matter. Feel better?"
@davebarry: To judge from the covers of countless women's magazines, the two topics most interesting to women are (1) Why men are all disgusting pigs, and (2) how to attract men.
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