Funny Twitter updates from @MatthewBaldwin

Then there are a whole slew of updates from @matthewbaldwin who I do not know personally but was one of my first subscribed feeds:

In the office restroom, peeing alongside three colleagues. Thought of something funny and loudly guffawed while staring at own penis.

Hands of woman next to me on freeway fidgeting wildly on steering wheel. Wondered if she was on meth before I realized she was knitting.

Guy on the treadmill next to me looked like he was falling down a flight of stairs for 20 minutes straight.

How my cat manages to vomit every ounce of food he ingests onto my carpet and yet remain obese is the greatest mystery of our time.

Today I went to both the dentist and the auto shop. Mouth cost 6x more to fix and doesn't even have air conditioning.

Car won't start. Fortunately it's the starter and not the battery, so you can still listen to the radio while sitting there sobbing.

Guy in front of me at the salad bar is assembling his lunch with the ease and speed of a man struggling through an LSAT exam.

Scott McClellan's new book, summarized: "I totally didn't know I was lying those 630,000 times."

Yes! Managed to work the word "flaccid" into every work email I sent today!

Trying to keep this meeting on point is like trying to catch a feral opossum with a plastic grocery bag

Went running for the first time in--jeeze, like 6 months? Long story short: unpleasantness ensued."

Skipped lunch. Now hungry. Could be some connection; remember to
investigate later.

F YOU MIDDLE-AGE PAUNCH, I'M DRINKIN THIS SECOND CAN OF COKE!