Friday, February 14, 2014

Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

Jan 31
If you date a nice guy, the safe word is just "ow"

I hate waking up early on weekends. It’s like getting socks for Christmas.

Jan 29
I believe in exercising both the body and the mind. That's why, after a workout, I spend 20 minutes trying to remember my locker number.

[Unknown] Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house. 

I'm tired of this Polar Vortex crap. Who do I have to talk to about ordering a Caribbean Vortex?

If ever there was a time to put on a onezie and go sleep on the couch this is it.

OH: "Using Excel is like cleaning toilets. It's awesome you can do it, but I don't want to."

I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.

Cool: You Have a Weight Loss Partner. Creepy: They don't know it.

I worry about everything. I even worry if my niece knows just how much I love her. She's 3. She thinks love is chocolate (& it is).

I need a lady on the streets and an extra large pizza in the bed

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

"If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle." ―Hillary Rodham Clinton

Dec 31
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle. ―Hillary Rodham Clinton

Please sign up for my parenting webinar "How to Feign Interest in a 40 Minute Story About Minecraft".

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, & they meet at the bar. — Drew Carey

Statistic: roughly 90% of the men who call me fat on twitter have a confederate flag as their avatar

Holiday music can make you want to heal the world or destroy it.

"OATMEAL IS THE LEAST SEXY OF ALL THE FOODS" is a real thing I just heard a person yell outside a bar.

RE: Finding God. How omniscient can he be if he keeps getting lost???

My London tenancy agreement includes a "shall not put fat down the sink or flush nappies down the toilet" clause.

I had enough time on my hands today to peel a grape. That's a problem.

I'm guessing those guys singing about the roof being on fire weren't actually under it at the time...

"Selfie" is an official word now, for those of you tracking the signs of the apocalypse.

Oh look, a large body of fresh water! Let’s throw dead bodies into it!

Where is all the clean water in the zombie apocalypse? How is everyone still alive when it never rains?

Saturday, November 30, 2013

The irony tastes like vegetables.

My dad just dropped a couch on his face, so we've got our holiday story for the year.

Really appreciate Songza offering me the playlist "Cry Yourself To Sleep." Maybe another time?

Massaging kale has to be the most white person activity of all time.

I just ate a salad. I still don't get it.

Each day, I eat a couscous-flecked lunch at NPR because I'm too lazy to walk two blocks for fried chicken. The irony tastes like vegetables.

Accidentally told grocery employee helping me load car 'I have a kind of small trunk & there's a lot of junk in it.' We avoided eye contact.

I had orange juice & cookies & Goldfish for dinner & now I'm going to bed at 9:30 on a Saturday, because sometimes I'm 8 & sometimes I'm 80.

(412): It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.

(585): I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Less Ambitious Movies (funny Tweet meme)

These were my favorites from the trending #lessambitiousmovies hashtag on Twitter:
  1. Snacks on a plane
  2. A Few OK Men (@Alastair)
  3. Lord of the Ring Tone
  4. Asleep in Seattle
  5. The Postman Sometimes Walks Right By My House (@chris_p_walker)
  6. Jurassic Parking Garage (@DRossiCSCS)
  7. The Ten Recommendations  (@Mr_Solo)
  8. Slightly Agitated Max (@Darjanator)
  9. The American Vice-President (@Pres_Shepher)
  10. A River Runs Past It (@fionasboots)
  11. Edward Safety Scissor Hands(@GhostOfAbe)
  12. Apocalypse When I Get To It (@Higgins_J)
  13. The Perturbation of Khan (@l0qii)
  14. Dude I know where my car is (@Carissajaded)
  15. Raiders of the Lost Crate (@plumbob78)
  16. The Empire Sits Back (@travelfish)

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Funny New Year's tweets

Lord_Voldemort7 If you're reading this, congratulations, you've begun 2011 the same way you ended 2010... mindlessly entertained by social media. Nerd.

aedison And so passes another year in which I did not need to know how to use a protractor.

zefrank dear universe. please make it easier next year. all of it.

someecards My resolution is to spend more time avoiding friends and family.

The problem with "ugly sweater contests" is that the winner usually isn't playing.

grantstavely: I will probably die polishing an unsent e-mail.

Ind1fference: after 2+ hours the kitchen set is assembled. Some assembly required? It was more like ALL assembly required

TFLN: (308): Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the f out of the bar.

xenijardin: ASK NOT FOR WHOM THE WEB TROLLS. IT TROLLS FOR THEE.

jack_daniel: The problem with "ugly sweater contests" is that the winner usually isn't playing.

tacone_:
█████ ██ █ ████ everything ███ █████ is█████ ████ ████ fine ████ ███ █ ██████ love. █████ ███████ ███ your █████ ████ government #wikileaks

STACEYNIGHTMARE: This coffee shop is so crowded I accidentally started working on someone else’s screenplay.

JimGaffigan: Directions to our apartment should always end with “…and follow the sound of screaming children”.

pourmecoffee: I bet the prison staff is asking Assange for help in setting up their router. This always happens to the computer guy.

austinkleon: "Validate my life choices or I will bite you." - everyone you know

someecards: I look forward to spending time with you once there are no remaining traces of your minor cold.

spleeness: Almost walked into a dangling spider at a cast party, milliseconds away from unwillingly becoming most dramatic performance of the night.

jstogdill: China is like that 22 yr old still living at home in suspended adolescence.

papercup: Can I have a t-shirt that says "Nihilism is Pointless"?

Funny Christmas tweets


Miss_MOTHRA So a fat man in red flying a sleigh equals yay. A beautiful giant moth flies by and it's all missiles and gunfire. I see how it is.

evilamy Wrapping presents, listening to Rammstein. DU! DU HAST! DU HAST GIFTS!

ihackinjosh Dear kids, There is NO Santa Claus. Those presents are from your parents. "With love, WikiLeaks"

darthvader On the 9th day of #Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me... 9 Admirals choking.