Tuesday, December 31, 2013

"If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle." ―Hillary Rodham Clinton

Dec 31
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle. ―Hillary Rodham Clinton

Please sign up for my parenting webinar "How to Feign Interest in a 40 Minute Story About Minecraft".

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, & they meet at the bar. — Drew Carey

Statistic: roughly 90% of the men who call me fat on twitter have a confederate flag as their avatar

Holiday music can make you want to heal the world or destroy it.

"OATMEAL IS THE LEAST SEXY OF ALL THE FOODS" is a real thing I just heard a person yell outside a bar.

RE: Finding God. How omniscient can he be if he keeps getting lost???

My London tenancy agreement includes a "shall not put fat down the sink or flush nappies down the toilet" clause.

I had enough time on my hands today to peel a grape. That's a problem.

I'm guessing those guys singing about the roof being on fire weren't actually under it at the time...

"Selfie" is an official word now, for those of you tracking the signs of the apocalypse.

Oh look, a large body of fresh water! Let’s throw dead bodies into it!

Where is all the clean water in the zombie apocalypse? How is everyone still alive when it never rains?

Saturday, November 30, 2013

The irony tastes like vegetables.

My dad just dropped a couch on his face, so we've got our holiday story for the year.

Really appreciate Songza offering me the playlist "Cry Yourself To Sleep." Maybe another time?

Massaging kale has to be the most white person activity of all time.

I just ate a salad. I still don't get it.

Each day, I eat a couscous-flecked lunch at NPR because I'm too lazy to walk two blocks for fried chicken. The irony tastes like vegetables.

Accidentally told grocery employee helping me load car 'I have a kind of small trunk & there's a lot of junk in it.' We avoided eye contact.

I had orange juice & cookies & Goldfish for dinner & now I'm going to bed at 9:30 on a Saturday, because sometimes I'm 8 & sometimes I'm 80.

(412): It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.

(585): I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Less Ambitious Movies (funny Tweet meme)

These were my favorites from the trending #lessambitiousmovies hashtag on Twitter:
  1. Snacks on a plane
  2. A Few OK Men (@Alastair)
  3. Lord of the Ring Tone
  4. Asleep in Seattle
  5. The Postman Sometimes Walks Right By My House (@chris_p_walker)
  6. Jurassic Parking Garage (@DRossiCSCS)
  7. The Ten Recommendations  (@Mr_Solo)
  8. Slightly Agitated Max (@Darjanator)
  9. The American Vice-President (@Pres_Shepher)
  10. A River Runs Past It (@fionasboots)
  11. Edward Safety Scissor Hands(@GhostOfAbe)
  12. Apocalypse When I Get To It (@Higgins_J)
  13. The Perturbation of Khan (@l0qii)
  14. Dude I know where my car is (@Carissajaded)
  15. Raiders of the Lost Crate (@plumbob78)
  16. The Empire Sits Back (@travelfish)

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Funny New Year's tweets

Lord_Voldemort7 If you're reading this, congratulations, you've begun 2011 the same way you ended 2010... mindlessly entertained by social media. Nerd.

aedison And so passes another year in which I did not need to know how to use a protractor.

zefrank dear universe. please make it easier next year. all of it.

someecards My resolution is to spend more time avoiding friends and family.

The problem with "ugly sweater contests" is that the winner usually isn't playing.

grantstavely: I will probably die polishing an unsent e-mail.

Ind1fference: after 2+ hours the kitchen set is assembled. Some assembly required? It was more like ALL assembly required

TFLN: (308): Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the f out of the bar.

xenijardin: ASK NOT FOR WHOM THE WEB TROLLS. IT TROLLS FOR THEE.

jack_daniel: The problem with "ugly sweater contests" is that the winner usually isn't playing.

tacone_:
█████ ██ █ ████ everything ███ █████ is█████ ████ ████ fine ████ ███ █ ██████ love. █████ ███████ ███ your █████ ████ government #wikileaks

STACEYNIGHTMARE: This coffee shop is so crowded I accidentally started working on someone else’s screenplay.

JimGaffigan: Directions to our apartment should always end with “…and follow the sound of screaming children”.

pourmecoffee: I bet the prison staff is asking Assange for help in setting up their router. This always happens to the computer guy.

austinkleon: "Validate my life choices or I will bite you." - everyone you know

someecards: I look forward to spending time with you once there are no remaining traces of your minor cold.

spleeness: Almost walked into a dangling spider at a cast party, milliseconds away from unwillingly becoming most dramatic performance of the night.

jstogdill: China is like that 22 yr old still living at home in suspended adolescence.

papercup: Can I have a t-shirt that says "Nihilism is Pointless"?

Funny Christmas tweets


Miss_MOTHRA So a fat man in red flying a sleigh equals yay. A beautiful giant moth flies by and it's all missiles and gunfire. I see how it is.

evilamy Wrapping presents, listening to Rammstein. DU! DU HAST! DU HAST GIFTS!

ihackinjosh Dear kids, There is NO Santa Claus. Those presents are from your parents. "With love, WikiLeaks"

darthvader On the 9th day of #Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me... 9 Admirals choking.

There's no way I'd miss seeing you run the marathon unless I get distracted during the 4 seconds when you go by.

sween I say I'm allergic to dogs and he says "I'm allergic to the radioactive shards of my home planet" and I remember why I don't call Superman.

someecards Endless hours watching the Food Network has fully prepared me to sit around watching you cook this Thanksgiving.

sween How many times do you pass your coworker in the hall before you switch from saying "hi" to breakdance fighting?

pixie658 Remember that scene in Pretty Woman when he says "I was very angry with my father" over and over? Yeah, I'm like that except with my thesis.

baconaut If the burger is both In-*N*-Out, wouldn't it be better to call it Quantum Burger, or Schrödinger's Burger?

heysuburban Hot dogs rarely feel like a brilliant idea four hours after you've consumed them.

sastier "A SQL query walks into a bar. He approaches two tables and says, Mind if I join you?"

adravan My seven year old nephew just asked "what is film?"

darthvader The Dark Side: Where *every* Friday is Black Friday.

Matt_Dwyer I believe in nothing which means I am never disappointed when nothing answers my prayers with nothing.

knitterplease When your only tool is passive aggression, every problem looks like it's fine, no really, it's fine.

darthvader For those of you who asked, all I want for Sithmas is my two legs back.

AGinDC I love that Cylons have the same baby mama drama that we do.

jordanrubin Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. But crap your pants just once and the world's all "I'm out. Talk soon."

baconaut  "40 is the new 30, 30 is the new 20, 20 is the new 10, and 10 is the new fetus."

heathermg I imagine there are worse ways to go than Death by Baked Goods, so I'm just gonna go for it.

sarah_y My cat is pretty self-sustaining, but she still kneads me.

paulfeig Just reunited a sock I left in New York months ago with its partner in LA. If that's not Pixar's next movie, then I don't know what is.

someecards There's no way I'd miss seeing you run the marathon unless I get distracted during the 4 seconds when you go by.

heathermg No time, "cook until lightly brown." It's a CHOCOLATE CAKE.

clarkekant The only thing I have to fear is me myself.

dirtymarty Travel tip: wear a purple suit to the airport. Things don't move any more quickly, but it puts everyone in a good mood.

jordanrubin Slept like a baby last night. (Cried, pooped myself, made my parents reconsider their love for each other, etc)

hodgman Any time someone spells THX as "thanks!" these days, I feel like I'm reading Chaucer.

mccanner "Just wanted to make sure you weren't writing a manifesto," said the co-worker when asking why my hood is up.

DanKrokos Writing a sequel is like going to dinner with old friends. Except dinner lasts three months and some of your friends die.

TheBloggess Me: Huh. I hit 70,000 followers this morning. Victor: I hit the mailman last week. With the car. Me: You win.

sween Show me a person who doesn't walk on the escalator and I'll show you a person who will transition poorly into the zombie apocalypse.

heysuburban Ironically, my iPhone will not autocorrect "ahtocorrected" into "autocorrected."

Higgins_J "That which does not kill me makes me say 'Whoa! That was close!'"