The irony tastes like vegetables.

@matthewbaldwin Nov 28

My dad just dropped a couch on his face, so we've got our holiday story for the year.

‏@nprmonkeysee Nov 26

Really appreciate Songza offering me the playlist "Cry Yourself To Sleep." Maybe another time?

@rachaelgking Nov 23

Massaging kale has to be the most white person activity of all time.

@ttscoff Nov 19

I just ate a salad. I still don't get it.

@idislikestephen Nov 19

Each day, I eat a couscous-flecked lunch at NPR because I'm too lazy to walk two blocks for fried chicken. The irony tastes like vegetables.

@csittenfeld Nov 17

Accidentally told grocery employee helping me load car 'I have a kind of small trunk & there's a lot of junk in it.' We avoided eye contact.

‏@heyescapist Nov 16

I had orange juice & cookies & Goldfish for dinner & now I'm going to bed at 9:30 on a Saturday, because sometimes I'm 8 & sometimes I'm 80.

@TFLN Nov 16

(412): It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.

@TFLN Nov 15

(585): I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.