It's 10am, and 'Drunk' is a trending topic on twitter in Washington D.C. (Funny Twitter updates)

Funny twitter updates:

@artful_username The locksmith is here. And the stupidity tax is mighty. Ow.

@Pres_Bartlet: It's 10am, and 'Drunk' is a trending topic on twitter in Washington D.C.

@sintixerr wow. this sleep thing was pretty awesome. i should do it more.

@heysuburban A small, frail old woman just screamed, quite loudly & right in my face, "WHERE IS THE ELEVATOR?" - repeatedly. Inexplicably terrifying.

@themadderhat Dear iPhone dictionary: I always mean "things." I never mean "thongs."

@sabl3t3k Beer o'clock is rapidly approaching.

@sabl3t3k cmd[sleep{now}]

@jordanrubin Lady Gaga says all the things I'm thinking but never say because I have a left side of my brain.

@Gwen_Hernandez Asked by swim coach as part of teaching moment: What's the Washington Redskins' biggest problem? One kid's answer: They suck.

@h1661n5 "Men turn into James Bond villains when they plan weddings. 'I'm gonna need 30 human skulls...for centerpieces...no, plastic won't do.'"

@JimGaffigan "Gym, tan, laundry". Wow. I'm like the opposite of that.

@nylonthread There's something wrong with my spell-checker. It didn't recognize butyrylcholinesterase, darned thing!

@b1sm The Pope mobile: Because nothing says "I have faith in God" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.

@eaglesdc All 3 escalators at Dupont South metro appear to be working. In related news Satan just logged on to Amazon.com to buy ice skates.

@SteveLeveen Sign in bakery outside Boston: "Unattended children will be given espresso and a free puppy."

@JimGaffigan Why do they call it a 'Happy Meal' when it turns children into monsters?

@matthewbaldwin Why I have half a mind to get another lobotomy.

@Joan_Rivers I read that Snooki is an organ donor, which should make future recipients very happy since Snooki's body has never rejected anything.

@suzierobb right now i need: lunch, a nap, high thread count sheets and perhaps a snuggle. i'm 0 for 4.

@BenKenobisGhost How scared do you have to be of a book that the only response you can think of is "KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

@sween Every time I start to question someone else's choices, I remember I wear cargo pants. And then I shut up.

@IamMademoiselle My liver just handed its notice in. Packed its bag and walked off down Oxford Street.

@mrgan Suggestion for Amazon: a big switch at the top of the page that says "I'm viewing this product as a joke, do not save to history."

@stevewhitaker If you want my body / and you think I'm sexy... Rod Stewart, master of the Boolean Seduction.

@amichaelberman My wife tried to phone my teen daughter on cell, no answer, but when I posted "please call" on her Facebook page the phone rang in 5 mins.

@kylecassidy one of the kittens renamed my hard drive ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

@Pollypoptart Lying in bed. Noisy flatmate has just started loudly "singing" the song Perfect Day. Ironically, the day has lost what perfection it had now.

@monkeyrotica Sign in bathroom: "Do not flush foreign objects in toilet." Domestic objects are still cool, right? Should I check their birth certificate?

@baconaut On consequences: For a very brief period in '95, I became apostate and stopped believing. Within thirty minutes, Steve Perry beat me up.

@sween My wife scratched my head and I barked like a seal. It'd probably be more acceptable if this was due to a fetish, but it's just what we do.

@quinncy "Miss talking to you. Parenting is trying to kill me. Are you tired? My eyelids look weird." This is all my friends and I email each other.

@sween Has anyone told the Pakistani flood victims John Travolta and Kelly Preston are expecting a baby boy? It would probably cheer them up.

@quinncy My mouth ran away from my brain today. AGAIN. At what age can I expect that to stop happening?

@TheBloggess It's nice to see that there's a #twitterprom because there really weren't enough dances in high school that I didn't get invited to.

@darthvader Ruling the galaxy w/ an iron fist is great and all, but what I really want is to direct.

@micahpearson Despite the advertising, I *can* believe it's not butter.

@joshlos Not sure why "Stayin' Alive" just showed up on my early-90s Pandora station, but its powers have rendered me defenseless to thumb it down.

@michaelianblack Just learned that Tallahassee is an old Seminole word meaning, "Trailer park."

@TheBloggess So apparently *I'm* the only one getting the "You have parasites" ad while everyone else is getting an ad for Gap jeans. Yay, self-esteem!

@isweatbutter Today I am thankful that I don't live in a city named Placenta.

@heysuburban I just got out of a cab & a man yelled "SNOOKI!" & I want to cry.

@isweatbutter My g/f is oddly entertained by the fact that when you Google "ill fitting triple panty," I'm the 1st search result. Thank you #ProjectRunway

@ThatKevinSmith Via @VitaminD82 "ever thought about working with de Niro or Pacino" Closest that'd get to happening'd be if I opened a Lawn Mowing business.

@richramirez1 People say you can't love your kids anymore than you already do. BS, I love my kids much more after 9am and much less prior.

@ofthebad "Unicorns are just horses that can stab people."

@jordanrubin My Jewish mother always told me that if I put my mind to it, I can't accomplish anything.

@anya1anya: Art school isn't the only way to make connections. Its merely the most expensive.

@Taracita Perusing the statuettes in the gift shop and lamenting the poor quality. They just don't make graven images like they used to.