"Just threw away some of my dishes instead of washing them." (Funny tweets)

@h1661n5: "Show me on the doll where Fort Meade touched you."

@adamcarolla: Watching my daughter playing with her ipad. I had an ipad when I was her age, it was called an etch-a-sketch. #freakout

@jeremyscahill: They said people traveling WITH small children may board, not people who travel LIKE small children.

@darthvader: Tell me why you should be the 6000th person I follow and make it good or the Earth gets it.

@landismom: Potato: "Why do they call it a field trip? You don't go to a field, and you don't trip."


@darthvader: I enjoy the Force like my toast - a little on the Dark Side.

@micahpearson: Express is about to do their "Best of" issue. I want to do the "Best 5 places in DC I got food poisoning."

@noblelawyer: "I've replaced sex with food so now I can't even get in my own pants." (Saw on a friend's key chain last night.)

@joeldavidmoore: This just in: Jail has been sentenced to 90 days of Lindsay Lohan.

@JimGaffigan: I've had bratwurst for 4 days straight. I think that means I have to pay taxes in Wisconsin now.

@jadabradley: Your call will be ignored in the order in which it was received.

@ihatesomuch: the amount of cleaning i did today makes me want to marry myself.

@LivitLuvit: I just caught myself thinking: "I should wash a load of linens on Saturday"... and then a piece of my soul died.

@matthewbaldwin: I rarely have the satisfaction of a job well done, so I've grown content with the satisfaction of a job ... well, "done".

@ihatesomuch: Just threw away some of my dishes instead of washing them. Its that kind of day.

@jadabradley: I decided to give myself the treat of sleeping in. The neighbors decided to have a shouting match. Clearly we are not on the same page.


@ganson: Watching my coworkers using computers is like watching a caveman who just discovered fire. Lots of grunting and someone is getting burned.