Winston Churchill once said... (funny tweets)

CristinGW Driving is evidently a water soluble skill.

sintixerr "Do you want bar food, or a real dinner?" "Uhm. What's the difference?"

dallendoug my mom's laptop blue-screened the morning after she was looking at the macbooks. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!

wilw Dog: I HAVE A TOY! Me: Neat! Dog: DON'T TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME! Me: Okay. Dog: WHY AREN'T YOU TRYING TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME?! Me: Oh. Right.

tremaine: PhilosoRaptor speaks! If tomatoes are a fruit, isn't ketchup technically a smoothie?

sween As Winston Churchill once said, "Wait a minute -- I never said this."

armsakimbo Today's mood has officially been elevated to "Scorched Earth"  

Veronica OH: "I've been down that road before, and it ends in a cul-de-sac of pain."    

iKarlie Is it possible to die from being awake too early? 

5tevenw I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but in alphabetical order as it should be.  

someecards One quality I'm not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm.  

funnyhumour I have an amazing ability! I find objects just before people lose them. The police, however, call it theft. 

WhySharksMatter "Large crocodiles don't move very much and they eat people, making them difficult study subjects" #GreatTextbookQuotes  

PraxisUniversal Me: "Sorry I'm late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn't go 300 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."  

Superheropaul I'm so tired today that all i wanna do is crawl home from work on my hands and knees and be fed chocolate until I sleep.

 mccanner We already live in the future I care most about: the one where I can get spicy tofu delivered to my door so I can stay inside on a rainy day