Winston Churchill once said... (funny tweets)

CristinGW Driving is evidently a water soluble skill.

sintixerr "Do you want bar food, or a real dinner?" "Uhm. What's the difference?"

dallendoug my mom's laptop blue-screened the morning after she was looking at the macbooks. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!

wilw Dog: I HAVE A TOY! Me: Neat! Dog: DON'T TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME! Me: Okay. Dog: WHY AREN'T YOU TRYING TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME?! Me: Oh. Right.

tremaine: PhilosoRaptor speaks! If tomatoes are a fruit, isn't ketchup technically a smoothie?

sween As Winston Churchill once said, "Wait a minute -- I never said this."

armsakimbo Today's mood has officially been elevated to "Scorched Earth"  

Veronica OH: "I've been down that road before, and it ends in a cul-de-sac of pain."    

iKarlie Is it possible to die from being awake too early? 

5tevenw I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but in alphabetical order as it should be.  

someecards One quality I'm not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm.  

funnyhumour I have an amazing ability! I find objects just before people lose them. The police, however, call it theft. 

WhySharksMatter "Large crocodiles don't move very much and they eat people, making them difficult study subjects" #GreatTextbookQuotes  

PraxisUniversal Me: "Sorry I'm late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn't go 300 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."  

Superheropaul I'm so tired today that all i wanna do is crawl home from work on my hands and knees and be fed chocolate until I sleep.

 mccanner We already live in the future I care most about: the one where I can get spicy tofu delivered to my door so I can stay inside on a rainy day 

It's 10am, and 'Drunk' is a trending topic on twitter in Washington D.C. (Funny Twitter updates)

Funny twitter updates:

@artful_username The locksmith is here. And the stupidity tax is mighty. Ow.

@Pres_Bartlet: It's 10am, and 'Drunk' is a trending topic on twitter in Washington D.C.

@sintixerr wow. this sleep thing was pretty awesome. i should do it more.

@heysuburban A small, frail old woman just screamed, quite loudly & right in my face, "WHERE IS THE ELEVATOR?" - repeatedly. Inexplicably terrifying.

@themadderhat Dear iPhone dictionary: I always mean "things." I never mean "thongs."

@sabl3t3k Beer o'clock is rapidly approaching.

@sabl3t3k cmd[sleep{now}]

@jordanrubin Lady Gaga says all the things I'm thinking but never say because I have a left side of my brain.

@Gwen_Hernandez Asked by swim coach as part of teaching moment: What's the Washington Redskins' biggest problem? One kid's answer: They suck.

@h1661n5 "Men turn into James Bond villains when they plan weddings. 'I'm gonna need 30 human skulls...for centerpieces...no, plastic won't do.'"

@JimGaffigan "Gym, tan, laundry". Wow. I'm like the opposite of that.

@nylonthread There's something wrong with my spell-checker. It didn't recognize butyrylcholinesterase, darned thing!

@b1sm The Pope mobile: Because nothing says "I have faith in God" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.

@eaglesdc All 3 escalators at Dupont South metro appear to be working. In related news Satan just logged on to Amazon.com to buy ice skates.

@SteveLeveen Sign in bakery outside Boston: "Unattended children will be given espresso and a free puppy."

@JimGaffigan Why do they call it a 'Happy Meal' when it turns children into monsters?

@matthewbaldwin Why I have half a mind to get another lobotomy.

@Joan_Rivers I read that Snooki is an organ donor, which should make future recipients very happy since Snooki's body has never rejected anything.

@suzierobb right now i need: lunch, a nap, high thread count sheets and perhaps a snuggle. i'm 0 for 4.

@BenKenobisGhost How scared do you have to be of a book that the only response you can think of is "KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

@sween Every time I start to question someone else's choices, I remember I wear cargo pants. And then I shut up.

@IamMademoiselle My liver just handed its notice in. Packed its bag and walked off down Oxford Street.

@mrgan Suggestion for Amazon: a big switch at the top of the page that says "I'm viewing this product as a joke, do not save to history."

@stevewhitaker If you want my body / and you think I'm sexy... Rod Stewart, master of the Boolean Seduction.

@amichaelberman My wife tried to phone my teen daughter on cell, no answer, but when I posted "please call" on her Facebook page the phone rang in 5 mins.

@kylecassidy one of the kittens renamed my hard drive ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

@Pollypoptart Lying in bed. Noisy flatmate has just started loudly "singing" the song Perfect Day. Ironically, the day has lost what perfection it had now.

@monkeyrotica Sign in bathroom: "Do not flush foreign objects in toilet." Domestic objects are still cool, right? Should I check their birth certificate?

@baconaut On consequences: For a very brief period in '95, I became apostate and stopped believing. Within thirty minutes, Steve Perry beat me up.

@sween My wife scratched my head and I barked like a seal. It'd probably be more acceptable if this was due to a fetish, but it's just what we do.

@quinncy "Miss talking to you. Parenting is trying to kill me. Are you tired? My eyelids look weird." This is all my friends and I email each other.

@sween Has anyone told the Pakistani flood victims John Travolta and Kelly Preston are expecting a baby boy? It would probably cheer them up.

@quinncy My mouth ran away from my brain today. AGAIN. At what age can I expect that to stop happening?

@TheBloggess It's nice to see that there's a #twitterprom because there really weren't enough dances in high school that I didn't get invited to.

@darthvader Ruling the galaxy w/ an iron fist is great and all, but what I really want is to direct.

@micahpearson Despite the advertising, I *can* believe it's not butter.

@joshlos Not sure why "Stayin' Alive" just showed up on my early-90s Pandora station, but its powers have rendered me defenseless to thumb it down.

@michaelianblack Just learned that Tallahassee is an old Seminole word meaning, "Trailer park."

@TheBloggess So apparently *I'm* the only one getting the "You have parasites" ad while everyone else is getting an ad for Gap jeans. Yay, self-esteem!

@isweatbutter Today I am thankful that I don't live in a city named Placenta.

@heysuburban I just got out of a cab & a man yelled "SNOOKI!" & I want to cry.

@isweatbutter My g/f is oddly entertained by the fact that when you Google "ill fitting triple panty," I'm the 1st search result. Thank you #ProjectRunway

@ThatKevinSmith Via @VitaminD82 "ever thought about working with de Niro or Pacino" Closest that'd get to happening'd be if I opened a Lawn Mowing business.

@richramirez1 People say you can't love your kids anymore than you already do. BS, I love my kids much more after 9am and much less prior.

@ofthebad "Unicorns are just horses that can stab people."

@jordanrubin My Jewish mother always told me that if I put my mind to it, I can't accomplish anything.

@anya1anya: Art school isn't the only way to make connections. Its merely the most expensive.

@Taracita Perusing the statuettes in the gift shop and lamenting the poor quality. They just don't make graven images like they used to.

(Funny tweets) Instead of Zillow emailing me to say how much my home dropped in value, they mailed a book of matches and a oily rag.

@ResideCharlotte: Instead of Zillow emailing me to say how much my home dropped in value, they mailed a book of matches and a oily rag.


@sohear: My new fridge/freezer keeps looking at me in silence. We need to break the ice.


@LookItsBRay: Her look is less "do me" & more "ouch, my neck hurts and these heels are killing me".

@laughstooeasily: One if these days I'm going to remember not to stretch my arms up into the ceiling fan. Today is not that day.

@ChrisThilk: Every time someone shortens "Thanks" to "THX" George Lucas gets $.05.

@thordora: I'm not mean but...how do you strap yourself to an overpass?

"Just threw away some of my dishes instead of washing them." (Funny tweets)

@h1661n5: "Show me on the doll where Fort Meade touched you."

@adamcarolla: Watching my daughter playing with her ipad. I had an ipad when I was her age, it was called an etch-a-sketch. #freakout

@jeremyscahill: They said people traveling WITH small children may board, not people who travel LIKE small children.

@darthvader: Tell me why you should be the 6000th person I follow and make it good or the Earth gets it.

@landismom: Potato: "Why do they call it a field trip? You don't go to a field, and you don't trip."


@darthvader: I enjoy the Force like my toast - a little on the Dark Side.

@micahpearson: Express is about to do their "Best of" issue. I want to do the "Best 5 places in DC I got food poisoning."

@noblelawyer: "I've replaced sex with food so now I can't even get in my own pants." (Saw on a friend's key chain last night.)

@joeldavidmoore: This just in: Jail has been sentenced to 90 days of Lindsay Lohan.

@JimGaffigan: I've had bratwurst for 4 days straight. I think that means I have to pay taxes in Wisconsin now.

@jadabradley: Your call will be ignored in the order in which it was received.

@ihatesomuch: the amount of cleaning i did today makes me want to marry myself.

@LivitLuvit: I just caught myself thinking: "I should wash a load of linens on Saturday"... and then a piece of my soul died.

@matthewbaldwin: I rarely have the satisfaction of a job well done, so I've grown content with the satisfaction of a job ... well, "done".

@ihatesomuch: Just threw away some of my dishes instead of washing them. Its that kind of day.

@jadabradley: I decided to give myself the treat of sleeping in. The neighbors decided to have a shouting match. Clearly we are not on the same page.


@ganson: Watching my coworkers using computers is like watching a caveman who just discovered fire. Lots of grunting and someone is getting burned.

And the crowd goes mild. (Funny Twitter updates)

Opened my fireplace damper last night. First time this year. Two tiny dead birds fell out. Like a slot machine where the prize is 500 tears. @wailinglist

It's pretty clear that even if a horse was in my nose I couldn't pick it. @jeffLandou

Overheard in the Newsroom #2949: Deskmate on our 13-year-old computers: “Hey, I could throw this thing a Bar Mitzvah!” @h1661n5

Should write a book for the Twitter age entitled "No One Cares What You Ate Thirty-Seven Seconds Ago." @maggie 

There is a "Society for the Protection & Preservation of the Fruitcake"?? @spleeness

And the crowd goes mild. @leemathews

Buying the complete DVD box set of "Hoarders" is a self-fulfilling prophecy. (Funny tweets)

@joeveix: Buying the complete DVD box set of "Hoarders" is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

@gxrobillard: I'm not at all impressed by Ketamine. You can achieve the same effect spending six straight hours on Facebook.

@bubblebathos: ugh is anyone else having trouble loading my ex-boyfriend's Gmail?

@SamGrittner: I'm just looking for a nice girl to settle out of court with.

@pattonoswalt: Just got off the elliptical -- 28 min., 2.26 miles, 338 calories, still fat.

@willhines: The bummer is that if Verizon works I'm going to have to actually talk to people.

@ItsThingsInLife: Have you noticed that "studying" is like "student" and "dying" put together?

@daveshumka: I'm growing my prostate to raise awareness for moustache cancer.

@missrogue: My secret answers to the security questions are so secret I can't even remember them.

@ebertchicago: 20% of Americans will believe that 20% of Americans will believe any damned thing.

@shitmydadsays: "Nervous? In 5 billion years the sun will burn out and nothing you did will matter. Feel better?"

@davebarry: To judge from the covers of countless women's magazines, the two topics most interesting to women are (1) Why men are all disgusting pigs, and (2) how to attract men.

Funny Twitter updates from @MatthewBaldwin

Then there are a whole slew of updates from @matthewbaldwin who I do not know personally but was one of my first subscribed feeds:

In the office restroom, peeing alongside three colleagues. Thought of something funny and loudly guffawed while staring at own penis.

Hands of woman next to me on freeway fidgeting wildly on steering wheel. Wondered if she was on meth before I realized she was knitting.

Guy on the treadmill next to me looked like he was falling down a flight of stairs for 20 minutes straight.

How my cat manages to vomit every ounce of food he ingests onto my carpet and yet remain obese is the greatest mystery of our time.

Today I went to both the dentist and the auto shop. Mouth cost 6x more to fix and doesn't even have air conditioning.

Car won't start. Fortunately it's the starter and not the battery, so you can still listen to the radio while sitting there sobbing.

Guy in front of me at the salad bar is assembling his lunch with the ease and speed of a man struggling through an LSAT exam.

Scott McClellan's new book, summarized: "I totally didn't know I was lying those 630,000 times."

Yes! Managed to work the word "flaccid" into every work email I sent today!

Trying to keep this meeting on point is like trying to catch a feral opossum with a plastic grocery bag

Went running for the first time in--jeeze, like 6 months? Long story short: unpleasantness ensued."

Skipped lunch. Now hungry. Could be some connection; remember to
investigate later.

F YOU MIDDLE-AGE PAUNCH, I'M DRINKIN THIS SECOND CAN OF COKE!