Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but I'm on furlough, so call me, maybe?

@geer_girl Oct 29

Brownie making FOILED! No chocolatey deliciousness making ingredients in the cupboard. HOW AM I TO MAKE MY ASS BIGGER IN THESE CONDITIONS?!

@samerfarha Oct 26

I just saw a stretch limo. I think it was doing the drive of shame.

@jus4golf Oct 24

I only got married so someone could help me find my keys.

@moorehn Sep 30

Hey girl, you raise my debt ceiling. #shutdownpickuplines

@SaraLang Sep 30

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but I'm on furlough, so call me, maybe? #ShutdownPickupLines

@WilliamAder Sep 23

Saw a Blackberry listed on Ebay. Oh, wait. That's the whole company.

@Just_Lee_1 Sep 19

Everyone comes into your life for a reason. Often it's just to prove that you're still a terrible judge of character.

@dloehr Sep 2

Spending the day at home with the kids, also without the protection of a shark cage.

@usedwigs Sep 1

Accidentally Shazam’d an arguing couple in Starbucks and now I own “Why can’t you support my need to do mud runs?” by Marc & Debra Schwartz