Tuck in your psychosis. It's showing.

@heyescapist Aug 20

I guess there's probably no established greeting card to send your BFF that says "Sorry our mutual ex-boyfriend is getting married today."

@mikenothnagel Aug 19

Endless stream of e-mails, each one misusing "begs the question." Everyone confirms the others are correct by using reply all. #mypurgatory

@idislikestephen Aug 19

In the left lane: a thousand cars, led by one turning left. In the right lane: a bus moving 22 mph, braking frequently. #mypurgatory

@idislikestephen Aug 19

In traffic by Gary, Ind. The car's CD player: broken. No iPod. The radio plays only local sports fans discussing the '85 Bears. #mypurgatory

@idislikestephen Aug 19

Any conversation that can be boiled down to, "You never want to listen to me yell at you!" #mypurgatory

@idislikestephen Aug 19

I am the designated driver, late at night. My drunk friends are desperately hungry. One can't eat gluten. Another is vegan. #mypurgatory

‏@heyescapist Aug 15

The only time I don't want a cupcake is immediately following the consumption of a cupcake. All other times are a go.

@nprmonkeysee Aug 15

I just remembered one of the best exchanges I ever saw on a soap: "You look pensive." "No, I was just thinking."

@theshamingofjay Aug 15

Hypers gonna ventilate

@nprmonkeysee Aug 15

"Raising a 5-year-old is a lot like dating. The puppy-dog eyes, the mixed messages, and I pay for everything." -- dad on A&E's MODERN DADS

@iKarlie Protected Tweets Aug 3

I'm at the bar and dude comes up to me all "do you remember firing me?" Hahaha #no

@Ludacrys414 Jul 29

Tuck in your psychosis. It's showing.