"If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle." ―Hillary Rodham Clinton

@ThoughtCatalog Dec 31

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle. ―Hillary Rodham Clinton

@matthewbaldwin Dec 26

Please sign up for my parenting webinar "How to Feign Interest in a 40 Minute Story About Minecraft".

@ThoughtCatalog Dec 20

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, & they meet at the bar. — Drew Carey

‏@lenadunham Dec 14

Statistic: roughly 90% of the men who call me fat on twitter have a confederate flag as their avatar

@DaneCook Dec 12

Holiday music can make you want to heal the world or destroy it.

@heyescapist Dec 12

"OATMEAL IS THE LEAST SEXY OF ALL THE FOODS" is a real thing I just heard a person yell outside a bar.

@Guapowitz Dec 6

RE: Finding God. How omniscient can he be if he keeps getting lost???

@arishapiro Dec 3

My London tenancy agreement includes a "shall not put fat down the sink or flush nappies down the toilet" clause. #thorough

@ChelsTalksSmack Dec 3

I had enough time on my hands today to peel a grape. That's a problem.

@Guapowitz Dec 2

I'm guessing those guys singing about the roof being on fire weren't actually under it at the time...

@Guapowitz Dec 2

"Selfie" is an official word now, for those of you tracking the signs of the apocalypse.

@jessabean Dec 2

Oh look, a large body of fresh water! Let’s throw dead bodies into it! #walkingdeadlogic

@jessabean Dec 2

Where is all the clean water in the zombie apocalypse? How is everyone still alive when it never rains? #walkingdeadlogic